How to set up healthy boundaries
We all know that we have to set boundaries otherwise people are going to suck our blood like the vampires that they are! (But we might be vampires for some people as well). I am pretty sure (I hope) that you learnt how to say no to your dear mother when she asks you to see an aunty while you have to go to the hairstyler. I know (I strongly hope) that you set up boundaries in your relationship when boo ask for a head and you just don’t feel like it. I am sure (I am still hoping) that you are able to put yourself first regardless if it is a request from your lovely children, your bff or your guru.
I became a master at setting boundaries with others. Sometimes I feel like I am setting way too strong boundaries but it is for my own sake because I have by Nature, the “Jesus” syndrome. I felt like I had to save everybody, everyone, the world! It is very related to childhood traumas and I was aware of it. That’s why my boundaries are very strong now because I can easily slide back to the sacrifice mode as if I will receive a Nobel Prize at the end of my life for being a people pleaser/ savior! (as I am editing this, I removed a lot of things because I am so not the same, I don’t feel either behave the same. Now I can NOT easily slide back to the savior who sacrificed herself syndrome).
But before getting a peak of testosterone and barricade yourself from anyone, ask yourself WHY in the world you are having a hard time to set up boundaries? Why do you feel like you have to be a people/ situation pleaser? Why do you feel like you have to be a yes person? Don’t you think that you are worth being considered? Don’t you think that you matter? Do you really think that people’s happiness is your happiness? How about what YOU want? I get the: ” seeing my people happy makes me happy”. But what is deep inside?
I think the very first person you need to set boundaries with is YOURSELF. Because you allow people’s behavior toward you and situations to happen and/ or repeat themselves.
The boundaries need to be physical, mental, spiritual and emotional and it has to start with you. When you always make yourself available knowing that you have things to do (like resting for instance) you don’t set up boundaries and you don’t respect yourself. When you say yes for extra work because someone nicely asked you to but you had to watch your child’s recital and now baby is mad at you and you feel guilty; it is YOUR fault. You could have said no but you decided to do so. I have thousands of examples like that. And then you will blame people but you and only you are the one who makes decisions. If you can set up boundaries with one or people is one thing, but if you can’t set up boundaries with the whole world, it means that you don’t have enough self-respect (sorry), and it is your fault because nobody won’t ever give you the “respect you deserve” because they don’t owe you shit, the same way you don’t owe them shit. The only person you owe anything to is yourself. People won’t think for you; they think for themselves; and you are here thinking that they will pamper you and look at your best interest… Come on! You need to do better and learn how to shut down the negative thoughts that are pushing you to sacrifice.
Have you ever caught yourself not having (enough) boundaries with your emotions, fears, ego or I don’t even know what? Are you aware that besides the pressure of relatives, situations, the lack of boundaries is due to your guilt feelings, some shame that you have been carrying for way too long, your fear of being the bad guy etc. Funny thing is that we don’t set boundaries with these negative unjustified thoughts? You are not responsible for people’s way of thinking, behaviors BUT you are responsible for how they interact with you! That’s why you need to set up those damn boundaries. It is not an easy exercise but it is a simple one.
How to? Always the same thing: SHADOW WORK! I feel like masochist because I LOVE to do shadow work. Not because I like to suffer, but because I LOVE to progress and I love to feel that I don’t feel negativity anymore while
the job is done. I love to feel that things don’t hurt me no more^^
Since I am a life coach, I can grow pretty fast because I know where to go and I am not afraid of it. I consider
fear as a good friendly indicator. Or just a friend. When I am scared, I know that I have some work to do.
Set some healthy boundaries with your negative feelings and thoughts (better if you can block or get rid of them. I have plenty of techniques for that). Be kind and gentle to yourself. Say out loud positive affirmation and kind words. Meditate and love yourself.
That’s all for me kiddos!
I invite you to have a look at my coaching page: http://www.lyapouleyy.com/wcc/
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